I always feel ambivalent about melatonin – we have a love-hate relationship.
The main reason is, I need it to fall sleep; but it always gives me vivid nightmares.
Science says it has to do with more rapid eyeball movement (REM), which is the period when dreams happen (see https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/crazy-melatonin-dreams_us_56fd59e6e4b0a06d58051de8?guccounter=1).
For unknown reasons, my dreams are often lucid nightmares.
And I end up waking up in the middle of the night, in heat (no pun intended).
This morning I had this dream, in which I vented all anger towards my mom over the years. She was doing everything in the dream to show that she never cared about what I liked and disliked.
Consolidating my memory, she was complaining that I’m not good enough, as always (“You’ll never measure up”, says Eleanor in Crazy Rich Asians).
Eventually I dragged her out of my place and locked her out.
I woke up with her cursing echoing around my ears.
I always thought, as my dreams reminded me from time to time, that my dad was the source for my anger and anxiety.
Rarely did I know the anger to my mom was so strong that gave a nightmare that woke me up with a hot and tense body, and rapid heartbeat.
I’m thinking of the film It: those with no fear would not see the scary “It”.
Perhaps as long as I still carry the un
resolved business and complex, my dreams will always be the mirroring monster.
2018.08.31 5:50 am
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