Knowing

Eventually I'm emotionally stable enough to write something.

Till now I still feel very sad about what happened last week. I thought I could overcome obstacles. I thought I could be faithful. But I could not beat the fear and anxiety in my body. I know many "should"s, like I should be thoughtful, I should be faithful, I should not feel upset. Yet with those "should"s I feel like suffocating that I have to repress all the feelings.

I remember there was once that I was having lunch with my Chinese teacher in secondary school, who is a loyal Christian. She strongly objected pre-marriage cohabitation. Her argument was, with love, one can withstand and tolerate everything of the partner. So love sounds powerful. Relationship sounds powerful. I know I have been doing many wrong things, and I don't even think I should be forgiven. And yet I know I am playing fire that I still don't regulate myself from repeating the same mistakes and the relationship is so fragile. I am truly honest that I know many things, but I just can't act or feel congruently.

I didn't even dare asking for a second chance, because I feel the strong guilt that I am actually very hurtful.

And yes, I am devastated, and I know that I made myself feel this way.