Alienation

Sometimes I can tell my parents care about me. But they simply use the wrong ways.

This morning when I woke up, my dad was very concerned and kept asking if I felt unwell. Then he turned agitated and did many things to make me confess that I'm sick. For example, he put his hand to see if I had a fever, and picked the moments when I coughed, and feed me every an hour. Talking about this, he always wanted me to grow fatter. I swear I'm working against his will. But it turned a bit worrying when I recently found out I've lost quite a lot of weight. Maybe I'm too stressed. Anyway, I felt very uncomfortable, to be honest, with this kind of care. I just want to be left alone and handle the problem myself.

So last night I was talking to a business student, who complained about his endless tests, competitions and internship applications. I felt a bit pissed and said, "If you really don't like this competitive environment, perhaps you should not push yourself that hard and pick another path." Later I realised how silly I was, when he pointed out that Hong Kong was in fact a competitive society. I know I acted like an utopian, but I think we live to build a better society, not to sabotage it. Although eventually it doesn't exist, we should hold faith in it. At least this belief shapes the way we act. That's why I hate ambitious people. They are just restless and compete whenever there's something for them to grab. I understand that we all have unlimited wants. I also want money and beautiful houses and many more. But are they happy, even when they get most of the things? I doubt so. Circumstantial factors play a small role in happiness. Anyway, I guess "ambitious" is probably a personality trait. So hoping these people to change is like waiting for rains in a drought - useless, and disappointing. Maybe someday I will find out most people are like this. Then the best solution would be alienating myself.

I just read my friend Jeff Kei's blog, and realised that eventually we are all lonely animals. Some day, some people in our lives will walk away, and some new members will walk in. I start to see some discrepancies among my friends. Some even have attributes that make me want to stay away from them. After all, I think what I should do is to try to focus on the commonalities, and learn to live with loneliness. This is what I always appreciate of Jeff. He is the one who lives independently, yet manages to give me a warm feeling.

Okay, I should stop here coz I have to pay my debts - the unfinished business left over this weekend.